人生若只如初見

考試期間, 腦子滿是考試內容, 卻又無時無刻不思念那人, 牽掛得想怒吼, 把腦海中的人拉出來. 考完試了, 那種令人窒息的思念卻沒了, 不是沒有想(睡前祈禱總會記掛), 但如影如魅的情鍾卻好像沒有比考試時強烈. 有時, 我想, 或者, 會不會, 我這根本不是愛, 而是, 找一個寄託, 找一個目標, 作自己的動力, 讓自己發憤, 也給自己一個好的籍口, 讓自己好過一點. 我真的不知道, 可不可以答我?

sometimes i'd think about the phrase “God is love.” can there be any possibility that since this world is built of love… i don't know how to phrase it, well, a man and a woman get married becoz of love(maybe not), they take care of their kids becoz of love(some are not, but at least they had a little, right?), men love their brothers and sisters and if those brothers and sisters keep on having their kids, uncles and aunts love their niece or nephew and then neighbour and strangers… there would be a spiderweb of love, and that's how initially the world is built. so, “God is love” doesn't mean God has love, God is actually love. dunno, but obviously God is sth more than love.(God=love, love<>God) anyway, this world is base on love. nobody can say that he doesn't need love, everybody needs some. kids need their parents' attention: their definition of love. youngsters need to find their mr/miss right, passion for their dreams: their definition of love. couples need each other, take care of their parents and kids, take care of their work(oh yeah, they LOVE their work or power or money): their definition of love. love can have different definitions but whenever this world “love” appears, everyone knows what that is: that kind of emotion they've been so familiar since birth. and i sometimes wonder wt would happen or wt happens to the world where the logic is not base on love. dun really know wt i wanna say, ya, rule no. 1 on this world: love.

yup, 兩年零五個月. 在這幾天思前想後, 慧劍一揮斷了這條情絲. 這一段沒有開始過, 主角只有我一個的獨腳戲於我生日的前幾日結束了. 誘因不說了, 原因是自我的反省. 愛一個人愛得無尊嚴, 愛得很辛苦, 愛得把你的你都愛, 愛到恨你再愛你, 愛到只有付出沒有回報, 愛到你每一個動作都成了我的本能, 愛到一想起你便會為你祈禱, 祈禱在彼邦的你不要和你的你散, 因為你會很痛苦. 從來在你面前我似個白痴仔, 從來愛你沒有問過你, 從來你知道卻裝作不知道. 這都好, 你有下台階, 我有下台階.

夠了. 早已應完了. 二年零五個月, 我沒有後悔, 但是, 應完了. 我是導演, 說cut的權利從來都在我手中, 只是我捨不得你, 捨不得喜歡你的感覺. 今天我不在乎了. 我有我的天地我的世界我的宇宙, 不是因為愛其他人而不愛你(根本沒有其他人), 只是不愛你了. 留下一點愛給我自己, 好好愛我自己, 好好保護這支離破碎殘缺不全的心. 再見.